Except in the extreme cases of the strong imposing or controlling others’ behaviors, we each have control over ourselves. That gives each of us the power and ability to begin to change our conflicts into more positive events. We don’t have to wait for someone to agree or give us permission to make a change.
If you are in conflict with someone whose behavior, attitude or judgments you wish would change, you likely know by now that your efforts to impose your will on the other person have not been effective. Instead, try starting with your own behavior, attitude or judgments towards that other person. I have been coaching the President of an international company who was having a conflict with others in the senior management team. The current economic conditions were making the conflict much more intense by adding issues to an already difficult relationship.
As we were going through the problem, the President said, “… he didn’t act like a normal human being would.” I asked the President how that sounded, and if it were possible that the attitude that others on the senior management team were not acting like normal human beings could be affecting everyone? The President got it immediately: “you mean, I’m acting towards them the same way I’m complaining they are acting towards me?” I got an email from the President the next day: “I changed my attitude in the meeting today and there were no conflicts or snide remarks. I guess I was part of the problem.”
Try becoming more conflict competent in your interactions with that person, and watch the person adapt to your change. As your behavior becomes more conflict competent, the conflict situation will improve. The person who gave you permission to fix the situation by making changes was you. Change that which is within your power to change, that is, your own behavior, attitude or judgments. You will notice the difference, even if no one else notices at first.
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